


Red

by tnbh



Series: The Final Proof [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Cutting, Emotionally Repressed, Insecurity, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, Romance, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-13
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-20 03:13:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/882266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tnbh/pseuds/tnbh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock lays awake at night, trying to recall moments he felt happiness.</p><p>WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF: SELF HARM, INSECURITY AND CUTTING.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red

Sometimes when Sherlock looked at the ceiling he tries to recall any other feeling then disappointment and regret. It is hard but when he tries long enough he can feel a flicker of happiness spread through his chest. It is weak and pathetic but he is immensely graceful for it.

Sometimes when Sherlock looks at the ceiling he tries to recall any other feeling then disappointment and regret. It is hard and he doesn't always work so when he tries his best to ignore the words the voice in the back of his head fling at him, he doesn't buck. No he stands up and proves himself. It is after all a test to prove he is human.

In his head there where two ways to prove he was human. One by getting a full body check up and the other one were to bleed. He preferred the latter. It only required self devotion.

He preferred the cold touch of a blade over razors and the rough touch of broken glass over the blade. The messier the better. Even though he craved for glass, he didn’t use it very often. Only when an actual glass of sorts was broken. John wouldn’t appreciate it. So today he kept it simple, a blade would do. He could already feel the cold metal slicing through flesh and muscle. Warm, red, fluid running down his arms, in to his dressing gown. The thought alone was highly satisfying but just not enough. The knife was cold, cold against his skin, it was all it was; Just like his deficiency heart. A chill run down his spine, his hands were damp and his breath ragged.

“Breath Sherlock breath.”

The blade cut through flesh, the thin layer of muscles and then in to the ulnar artery; the main vein of his right forearm. It wasn’t enough to have any affect, so he cut again. This time deeper, harder, faster. The tiniest squirts of red, escaped under the knife. It wasn’t enough. The knife he used was mostly used by John chopping vegetables. His arm was a carrot. _Chop, chop, chop_ and it was running. Red and fluid down his arm in to his dressing gown, on the floor, in to the rug.

But what was it than; Blood or red diesel? Bringing his arm up to his nose he enjoyed the pulsing pain in his wrist. It didn’t smell like diesel but it didn’t prove it wasn’t. His tongue darted out but before he swapped it over his arm he paused. What if it tasted like diesel? What was he done? An automat, a machine? Like John called him. Or maybe he wasn’t human but some sort of new rare species.

A deep breath was taking through his nose. Did he really want to know? No. Because if he did John would know. John couldn’t know, John was his only friend, John would leave.

The wrist was cleaned with alcohol and bandaged with a lot of cotton and tape for the time being. The knife was put in the sink after rinsing, the floor cleansed and his dressing gown put in to the bins outside. The only proof telling he had used himself as an experiment were the stains he couldn’t get out of the carpet.

He would sleep for know. Just three hours, till dawn. Till John woke up and came down the stairs, complaining that Sherlock didn’t sleep enough. He would put on the kettle to make coffee, than tea. He would ask if Sherlock would want a cup.

Everything would be normal until Sherlock would look at the ceiling again; trying to recall any other feeling then disappointment and regret.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all like it. There is going to be more since this is a series of stories. 
> 
> Please leave a comment telling me what you think of it? :)


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